Doesn't he look so tiny with that pacifier in??? Seriously, an angel.
My sweet baby.
And for some miraculous reason, all the medicines worked! I had no contractions for 24 hours and more importantly, my cervix did not change. No more dialation...it was a miracle! We took a huge sigh of relief...and although my contractions did slowly come back...we thought we had bought ourselves some time. And we did. Just not as much time as we had hoped. (See below my oh so faithful notebook where I wrote every single contraction down. You will notice my handwriting was terrible...that's because I would write them down about half way through the contraction so I knew how long it was going to be and how painful to make note of...)
There was one night when my contractions were especially bad. I cried and screamed through each one. They were as painful as when I HAD Brayden. Yes, HAD, as in dialated to a 10 and pushing him out with no epidurhal! That was the night I asked for pain medicine. Seriously, I hoped to be pregnant for several more weeks at least, but how can one last several WEEKS of those kind of contractions. Did I mention my contractions were anywhere from 3-5 minutes long? Yup. We timed them. Me and the nurses and the doctors because they just couldn't believe it. My back was in constant pain by this point. But once I got on pain medicine, it was a lot better. I then had 2 really calm, nice days and finally said to my nurse "I am going to try to go without the pain medicine tonight, I had felt really good all day." That was when it all started again.
Around 2 in the morning I still couldn't sleep, I had a mega-ultra terrible contraction again and my nurse came in right away with pain medicine. She recommended a hot shower (which has a seat that I sat in) to help ease the pain. I did not argue. I got in and it still wasn't very comfortable. I got out, went to the bathroom and was bleeding. It wasn't a lot, but not good for me. They had the doctor come in a check me and I was a 4 and 80% effaced. Great. Here it comes again. I think at this point I knew my placenta was abrupting and there was truly no turning back. It was a very sad, emotional moment. They sent me to labor and delivery and my pain lessened a little on the contractions, but they also gave me even stronger pain medicine. They also gave me lots of medicines again to stop the labor. They checked me a few times over the next few hours and I stayed the same, so I waited to call Cort until 6:00am so he could sleep a little. He came right away and everything seemed okay until one time when they checked me they told me my water bag was bulging. I knew if my water broke, it was all over. And it was. My water broke a few hours later and they checked me, I was a 7. By this point, every time they checked me I was bleeding. They said my placenta was abrupting, so the baby needed to be born now. There was no stopping it. They sent me to the OR, the baby's head was down, but they needed me in there to pass him directly to the NICU. We thought I would go straight to a 10 in 30 minutes, but with all the medicines to stop the labor, apprently they worked a little because it took me about 2 hours to get a 10 from there. After about 30 mins, they started the pitocin. Slowly but surely I made it there. Time to push. It took about 6 good pushes to get him out, which quite frankly shocked me because Brayden and Keaton were out in 1 push each. But I could not feel where to push...normally even with an epidurhal, I can still feel where to push. But not this time. So it took a little longer. Finally, he came out and Cortney and I sobbed and sobbed. I could not believe I had this baby so little. I tried hard to look at him at the bottom of the table but part of me could not move, I was numb. So I saw him a little, but what I saw more was them passing him into the NICU. He was so little. How could a baby possibly be that little? I cried harder and Cortney did too. And then things got really painful. They were trying to get my placenta out. Now, with my last two, it literally flew out on its own. Not this time. They pushed and pushed and my eppidurhal had worn off and I screamed. And cried. And screamed. They called the tech back in and he gave me more epidurhal. Finally, they got it out and discovered that it had broken apart in little pieces...inside ME! So they had to clamp me open and get it out with forcepts (a DNC). From the time I had Paxton to the time they were done with everything, I think it was about an hour. It was terrible. Even when I couldn't feel the pain, it was terrible. And I was sad. And then I was shivering. The epidurhal had made me very sick and I could not stop shivering, chattering my teeth. I felt freezing, then hott, then freezing. They put 4 warm blankets and a quilt on me. I think THAT lasted another hour, then I calmed down. This part was now in my room with my mom, mother and father in law and Cort's Grandma Nammie. I am not going to lie. This part was so hard for me. I just had a very early baby and I was sick emotionally and physically. I was so grateful when it stopped and I started feeling better.
The whole time all this was going on, Cort asked the nurse every hour or so when he could go and see the baby. We were anxious. I knew I couldn't see him until I was able to at least ride in a wheel chair, but Cort could go right away. The NICU kept passing word along that they were still trying to get all the IV's and lines in. Lines are tubes (tiny) placed so they don't have to poke his foot every 2 hours for blood gases, etc. They could just draw blood, give medicine, etc without poking him. They are similar to IV's, but don't leave a big needle in somewhere! Because the baby's veins were so little and hard to find, it took them a long time. Cortney wasn't able to see him until around 6:30pm or so and we had the baby at 1:47. After Cort finally saw him, he took my mom to go see him. Shortly after they saw him, they went home to take care of our other kids. Around 9:00 that night, I was able to see Paxton for the first time.
It was emotional. I *KNEW* and had told myself he was so little, that he would look so frail and fragile, which he did. But there is something about having a baby in an incubator, hooked up to tubes, that makes the reality of our new life so sad. And overwhelming. And I was so disappointed I had not been able to stay pregnant longer. I was physically feeling sore in every direction and uncomfortable. And sad for my kids at home that have to go with their Mom and Dad leaving them all the time and feeling abandonded. There are/were so many emotions.
And then the Lord steps in, puts a hand on my heart and tells me that it will all work out. I knew that everything had happened for a reason. And we don't know why. But he does. And I put my faith in him and let go of the saddness and the worry. And I let go of all the things that are now out of my control and try my best to do the best I can with the situation I am in. We are so blessed that other kids turned out so healthy and strong. And so we pray that the same will happen for our new baby. We put it all in the Lord's hands and let him take over.