Answers

Well all I choose to share publicly on my blog is this: A week and a half ago I learned WHY I have had my preemies. I did not expect to learn it how I did and I cannot believe that I actually know. After all this time. With that, I learned I am lucky I have ANY children at all. Could things have been different had I learned of this news before? Maybe. Could I have maybe done something about this to maybe have full children- maybe, but in so doing might have caused worse problems. All I know is this- everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to have every one of my children exactly the way I had them. It has been hard. The hardest thing I have ever done is watch my babies suffer in the NICU and not know if they were going to make it from time to time. But I am so grateful to have them. And even more grateful to have them knowing what I know now.

I am trying hard not to take all this for granted anymore. Thank heavens we live in a time where my children have LIVED. And thank heavens for the Lord blessing me with the answer to my 6 year long prayers of why do I have premature children. The Lord is surely watching out for me and surely loves me and my children. I am so, so grateful.

Sledding and other good stuff

Over the MLK break, it snowed and we took the kids sledding for the first time all winter. Sad that it was the first time, but it was awesome. We had a lot of fun as a family.

Gotta love the boys Cougar hats!

This year was the first year Keaton realllllllly got into it. Last year he loved it and cried when we were done, but this time he really wanted speed and could carry the sled up the hill when he was done and go by himself...bonus!

The other good stuff I was referring to was our little man is doing so well...this picture shows his cute little body. This is a preemie outfit on him that is really too small for him to wear, but I had to put it on him just once considering by the time he comes home, he will be in newborn clothes. I know, most babies are. But I have some of the cutest dang preemie clothes ever and am sad he wont get to wear them because two of his brothers did. BUT him not wearing them is also good because it means he is growing like he should. I mean really, what other 4 month old is wearing preemie and newborn clothes...I just dont want him to grow too fast because I am just barely getting a start of my time with him!

Paxton is offically down on a low enough setting of oxygen that he has been able to start eating. One bottle per day, one nursing per day. He has done so well with it that whenever anyone picks him up he trys to latch on...to just about anything! He loves it! He, like my other boys, is going to be a champ nurser. And I can't wait to quit pumping and nurse full time! This picture was taken today (sunday, the 22nd) and Cort was giving him a bottle for the first time.

Look at his little fingers wrapped around the bottle! He is so dang cute!!

Paxton and me having some cuddle time...his oxygen always gets turned way down when I am holding him like this...he loves it!!

So they are saying two to three weeks and we might get to take our little man home! I am spending a lot more time at the hospital these days and it will only increase as I feed him more. But I am loving it and it means the end is near!

Catching UP!!

What a crazy few weeks it has been! For starters, my sweet Brayden turned 6! I have more pictures that have somehow gotten lost on my computer and I cannot find them, but let me tell you- Brayden is such a sweetheart in our family. A big stinker, but a big sweetheart!

He loves to sing and we loved going to his school Kindergarden performance.

We had a very small last minute thrown together birthday party for him with only a few friends. It was fun though! What made it even better was my little sister deciding at the last minute to catch a ride with her sis-in-law to Utah. So she helped me with the party and it was awesome!
We had a family party for his b-day as well (those are the pictures that are missing), but it was last minute as well. In our household during a week and a half we had the following going around:
strep
mastitus (obviously me, worst case EVER)
the flu combined with a bad cold
pink eye (2 kids and me)
Bad colds (mine resulting in blisters in the back of my throat)
So that is why all the parties were last minute and why I haven't posted anything in forever and also why it was so great when my sister came and helped out sooooo much.
While she was here for a few days...Keaton got into a little trouble...

He had my mascara! Stinker! And I got to play with one of my cutie nephews!

And my sister and I got to hang out! It was awesome!

And my sister, who happens to be amazing at photography, took this amazing picture of Paxton.

And a few others to mention...

PS- can I just say how awesome it is to walk into the NICU and actually pick up my baby and hold him?! It is wonderful.

Paxton got moved into a big boy crib! He is doing realllllllllly well right now.

All in all, life has been crazy busy and will continue to get crazier and CRAZIER the closer it comes to Paxton coming home because I will need to be at the NICU all the time. But we are excited and looking forward to him joining our family at home.

Merry and Bright

Well the week before Christmas was rough. Just plain old rough! I had some issues with one of Paxton's nurses (nothing really bad, just emotional) and then learned a few little things that just made me worry about him. Then with the worrying came less sleep, and with less sleep came a more emotional me! So I was kind of a basketcase. But I pulled together in the end and we had a great Christmas. As great as it could be considering we had our little man in the hospital. But Santa came to both our house and the hospital, so it was great.

My pictures are out of order, but you can figure it out I am sure! Here is Cort and me on Christmas Day with our little man. He is now 5 pounds, 3 ounces and growing! The few times he has worn clothes, the preemie clothes seem to fit him just right! When did he get so big? (I know, my friends who have seen him gawk at how little he is...but to us, he is big!)

One of my favorite nurses Bonnie with him...does anyone else think his hair is looking pretty red here?? The new room he is in (yes, he got moved to a new room and it is SO MUCH BETTER) has a window that lets in a lot of natural light...his hair is almost strawberry now. My mom will love it!
Christmas Eve- 3 handsome boys with their new jammies and slippers!

Keaton on Christmas Day at his Grandparents house...

Christmas morning presents!

Santa brought everyone what they wanted! And I was surprised at the end with a new camera~! Although these pictures were taken before I opened it (on the old camera).

Our little elf with his eyes open- the day after Christmas. Its moments like these that I can't stand it that I can't just grab him and stare into his eyes while holding him. He is just so stinking cute I cant even take it!

This is what they call "the froggie" pillow and I call it "the tooth" because it looks like a tooth. Either way, it's like a light bean bag that molds to their body and paxton loves it on him. I can't wait till he is off the vent! He can't wait either! Hopefully soon.

All in all, Christmas was wonderful. And we are enjoying Christmas break as a family. Hope your Holidays have been wonderful too!

Scrooge

I am afraid I have turned into scrooge. THE scrooge, BAH HUMBUG! It has been a really rough lousy week! Starting with Monday- it was a bittersweet day...Started out bitter, I went to the female doc for some female stuff that did not go tell well (and let's just leave it at that). But then I made my way to the NICU and it was wonderful. I got to hold my little man for the second time- he seemed so strong and much bigger and more stable than the time I held him before.

Cortney even got to hold him the day before, on Sunday, for the first time.

What a sweet moment!

Later that day I had to go back into my female docs because some stuff from my visit went wrong and had to be taken care of. Not pleasant. I called in late afternoon to check on Paxton and he is doing fine. But when I called back later that evening, the nurse said he had suddenly turned very sick. VERY SICK. Like, he had stopped peeing and was lethargic and acting very sick- just suddenly. Of course I was so very worried. My heart hurt so bad- I wanted to go in and stay with him, but the nurse said to get some sleep so I can stay all day the next day- that he would need me then. So what I should have done was gone anyways because I couldn't sleep at all anyways I was just so worried! She called very early in the morning and Cort and I headed down there just in time for him to have stints put in his kidneys. I could offer many more details of all the things that ended up happening that day- but let's just say when I saw my sweet baby, he hardly looked like my baby he was just so very sick. And it was so sad. Cort and I were there all day and after the day I had Monday, then Tuesday, I was so exhausted that I felt physically ill. The rest of the week things got better with Paxton. He has a bad infection still, but is so much better than he was and is getting better every day. What has made the rest of the week hard is just the reality of my life these days. I keep thinking about Christmas morning. I have my kids at home that I can't wait to see open their presents- and then I have this baby clear across town that I want to be with. Luckily he has wonderful nurses who will be with him whenever I am not, but some days, I just get so sad thinking about it. Add to that taking my car into the shop to fix the door that the wind storm broke, dealing with my fighting boys at home, trying to get a house clean and things ready for the holidays- I am just not handling all the stress well this week!

Most of the time I can hold my head strong and make it through, but for some reason, this week was so much harder. I know most of it is simply that I have a baby in the NICU! And he got very sick! And then you add on everything else going on in my life and it makes sense for me to be a little crazy. But I also know that it is out of my control and I can't change the situation right now...so I just try to take it day by day and not let it get me down.

So as I write this, my house is half way a mess, my kids are finally getting to bed and I am still feeling like a scrooge! But I am making a deal with myself that I just don't like myself this way and my kids are suffering from it too- so we are going to try to have a better week! It HAS to be better than this. I am putting my trust and faith in the Lord and letting him take the reigns from here. Here's to a better week!!

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed. To say the least. My life...well, yes it is crazy these days. Totally crazy, BUT I am mostly overwhelmed because I have let so many things go that I can't even begin to catch up. Like my house...yes, it is cleaned and tidied up daily...for the most part, on the surface, it is clean. But closets? OH the closets! And under beds. And in cubbords. And the basement...these are all things that are cleaned and organized more routinely and since I got pregnant, I did a big fat NOTHING. And I am so far behind. And just the mere *thought* of beginning is overwhelming.

I was thinking all weekend of how there are so many JUNK toys everywhere in my house that need to be thrown out--we have a playroom that is desperate to be organized and is so far gone that I should seriously throw everything out! Which of course I wont. But that is how bad it is! And how wonderful would it be to have all the junk toys thrown out, old toys given away and room made for the new toys the kids will be getting for Christmas?! Well, it would be just wonderful I tell you! Wonderful!!! And did I even metnion my closet to you? You see, I have all my "after baby" clothes in there, mixed in with a few "maternity" that I haven't put away, mixed in with some "in-between babies" clothes that I am starting to fit into. And a few of my skinny clothes are lingering in there from before pregnancy. The truth is, I only wear about 40% of what is hanging up in there...the other 60% seriously needs to be dealt with because it's taking up so much space...but I just can't seem to find any motivation to do anything besides general maintaining of my house.

So it will be left alone. Left alone probably until Paxton is home. It's funny because I still think of projects I want to do for him- I already have all the makings for his quilt...and the thought of making that just excites me! But normally I don't take on any fun projects until the important projects are done. So it will all just wait. Until one day I will hopefully have the motivation. Hopefully. SIGH. One of these days...

Serious Cuteness

Okay, it does not get any cuter than this. Seriously.

Doesn't he look so tiny with that pacifier in??? Seriously, an angel.
My sweet baby.