Friday, June 10, 2011

Worst Mom Award

Although I have been feeling MUCH better the past couple of days (from the nausea), to say that my brain has been working only half of the time is an understatement. Yes, I have pregnancy brain, but I also have mom brain, Liz brain, mom of 3 boys brain, wife of Cortney brain, ETC. I can go on and on but I won't. SO, the mistake I made the other day was actually quite simple and something that I can honestly say I HAD NO IDEA what we were getting into. I was taking some neighborhood boys on a small "hike", but it is really just a cool walk through this foresty path by our house. It's part of a neighborhood summer program. So I had 10 boys including my own, yes, that's right, 10 BOYS! But they were all great. We were going along on the hike and when we got halfway and I let them have fruit snacks and a capri sun, the MOSQUITOS came out from the woods and ate everyone alive. Most of us just had little ones on our arms and legs...and I was going around, helping the boys hit them away as I protect myself as well. But my sweet little Keaton. His blood must just be sweeter than most, because the next day HIS SWEET FACE was COVERED in bites, his eye swollen...well, you can see a little of it yourself:

This picture just doesn't do any of it justice. (he wasn't coopertaing and neither was the sun or my camera) It only really captures his eye. So the kicker is, as I am out in public feeling totally terrible as a mother, everyone I have told where we have gotten bitten has said "oh yeah, that place is filled with mosquitos, I always bring spray" and I just feel so bad I didn't realize or know...even though I have been there several times before. I know, it's just a simple mistake that any mom would make. I just feel so bad with how many kids I was responsible for, making that mistake. THEN, add to that the absolutely terrible diaper rash Keaton had yesterday. The poor kid had a little tummy ache or something and kept filling his diaper. I was careful to get it right away, but it was real acidic or something because it was red from the very first diaper change. And so by the middle of the day yesterday, his poor face swollen, he's on benadryl for the bites and a little sleepy, AND he is walking like he was riding a horse all day. Most of the day he just cried and I held him. I just felt like such a bad Mom. I know I'm not. But I certainly didn't deserve the mother of the year award yesterday.

On a brighter note, Keaton is MUCHHHHH better today on both accounts! And I am feeling better about my role as a mother ;)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The BIG Shocker, Part 2

Wow, Do I feel the love or what?!!!! It is so great! Thanks to everyone for the great comments and the love that you have truly shown me.

So I want to fill in a few more details with my story that I cannot even believe I forgot to put in my original post anyways. But it was soooo long that it is probably best I broke it up.

First and foremost is that ever since I was a little kid, I have had a small bladder. I'm sorry this is TMI for some people, but I am not embarrassed by it. I hate it, and I have been embarrassed by it many times, but I can remember when I was 12 and going to the movies with some friends. I went to the bathroom before, during AND after the movie. It's just something I have lived with for a looong time. Well, obviously, after having kids, it has gotten worse. It's not like I have accidents or anything like that- I just have to GO all the time! So, one day about 9 months ago or so, I was at my docs office for a thyroid check and mentioned to him my frustrations. He had me try a bladder medication that just helps me be able to go longer in between trips to the bathroom without retaining water or anything. it was AWESOME~! Sooooo, fastforward to when I did not know I was pregnant (but I would have been 4 weeks at the time, just barely pregnant) and I am filling a new perscription for the medicine because my old one expired. After a few days of taking it, I seriously thought the doc had given me a lesser dose or something because I could swear I actually had to go MORE than normal, even on the medicine! What? So the good news is after a few more days I stopped taking the medicine. Deep down I believe that subconsiously my body was telling me to stop taking it because it was not a good medicine to take while pregnant, but it's weird because I really am surprised that I didn't take it for longer just to see if it would help. Guess the pregnancy was kicking in big time because MAN OH MAN I had to go ALL THE TIME. Worse than any of the other times I have been pregnant...But this experience is another sign that everything was in the works and I just did not know the plan at the time...CRAZY how everything has come together.
So, what was Cortney's reaction?? Well, normally I do something cute to tell him I am pregnant, but seeing as I had been crying pretty much all day, and was freaking out, and this was not planned and totally crazy news...I knew he would be shocked as well. I just asked him to follow me upstairs after dinner. In my closet I pulled out the two pregnancy tests, and as I was pulling them out, he said "oh, your pregnant." And I said Yes. I think he maybe didn't believe me or didn't belive IT until we talked and I told him about both tests and could now see all the signs. And as weboth sat down and talked, let me tell- only when I have something truly important to talk to my hubby about do the kids come in a thousand times, jumping on the bed, trying hard to do their best to get us to stop talking and play with them. So to say that it only added to the already freaked out mood would be an understatement. I was definetly frustrated and just wanted to vent to Cort. --SIDE NOTE: Seeing as I have been more emotional these days, Keaton has started doing THE CUTEST thing in the whole world. he comes up to me, puts both hands on my face and says, "Mom, are you okay Mom?" and keeps asking until I say "yes, I'm okay." Where did he learn that? I dunno, but it MELTS my heart!! Okay, back to the story. We talked through it. If you didn't realize before that the timing of this pregnancy was definetly different than what we would have planned, you should know it now! Of course I am grateful and know the Lord has a plan, but the reason we had put off researching adoption and foster to adopt thus far was Cort's health. It has been a really rough last year especially- He IS finally on the road to recovery and we think the surgery was sucessful, but he is still playing it really safe and we are trying to be careful he doesn't have any more vertigo attacks. SOOOOOO, when we were talking about me being pregnant, he was concerned about him being sick, me being sick or on bedrest, and who is going to take care of us? We only have his parents here who are really able to help (his sister will have moved away by then) and his Dad just had back surgery. And there is only so much they can do! And quite frankly, it is hard to ask someone to come in and help with throwing up. And we live in an amazing neighborhood that I know would go through leaps and bounds to help us, but it is hard living that way- relying on others to help you get through things you think you should be able to take care of yourself. So we talked a lot about this. And a lot about just the SHOCK. After a few days of us going back and forth about "wow, isn't this so crazy, how are we going to do this"...some things started to click for the both of us.
I would share little personal things with him, little feelings that I had that things were for the best. A week after we found out we were able to go to them temple and that was wonderful. We both had great feelings there that everything was going to be okay. There are so many little personal experiences we have both had that have made things easier to deal with. I think Cortney took the shock harder than even me in the beginning because he was so worried about both of us being sick. I know it has been hard for him, and now its hard for me and so we are just trying to help each other! But somehow, so far, it has worked out.

And speaking of being sick, I feel bad for Cortney that he has had to put up with my moaning, grumbling and whinning about it. I never ever really feel good anymore, ever. And it is the worst at night. His meals have suffered, he has had to do more around the house and more with the kids to help me. Once I get past this sick phase (that is assuming I will, please please please!), then I am hoping we will be out of the "still in shock" phase as well. Because I am still in shock! And I think sometimes Cortney is too.

Did I ever mention that I am STILL in shock?! Some days everything is so real and I get excited and worried at the same time. And other days I seriously think "is this really happening"...I know it sounds crazy that it has taken me over a month to let is sink in, but I don't even think it has sunk in YET! It is so amazing how quickly life changes. I am just so grateful Heavenly Father, my family and friends are all here to help me through them~ ;)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

**The BIG Shocker**

Frist of all, I have an announcement. It's big. It's shocking to some and it was mostly shocking to me and my hubby. I will tell you what it is, then spend the rest of this post expressing all my deepest feelings regarding everything...cause that's what my blog is for.

Soooooo drumroll Please...


The main reason this is so shocking is because I was on BIRTH CONTROL and have never missed a pill. I have taken birth control for the past 13 years (other than when I was trying to get pregnant or pregnant). Even when I am nursing, I am on the mini-pill. So to say that I was and still am shocked to learn this news is a huge understatement.

So my whole story starts with me making an appointment. I was talking with Cortney about 4 months ago about going into my high-risk OB to talk about my future. I have never gone in and actually learned what my chances are of having another preemie. I have not been ready to hear what he had to say, good or bad. All Cort and I knew was we were probably not having another biological child...but if we did, it would probably be once Keaton was in preschool in case we had another preemie. We had talked about adoption. We had talked about foster-to-adopt. We knew there was at least one more child for us, that we weren't "done" but we knew that we could not go through the whole 3 months of having a baby in the NICU and all that comes with that, again. So I made the appointment and they scheduled it out about 3 months for May 31st. No big deal.

Fast forward 2 1/2 months later. Cort is in Costa Rica for a week for work. I am worried about him. I am worried he is going to be sick while he is there with no one to take care of him. Luckily he was great the whole time- but we had little contact with each other. And I was worried. TOO worried to realize already that I was 2 weeks late on my cycle. I thought about it once, but then it left me immedietly because I never thought in a million years I could be pregnant. And then Cort gets back. And that night I am brushing my teeth and I gag. That's weird, I think to myself. I always gag when I am pregnant. I then go on to talk to Cort about my recent insomnia. I get it from time to time- but I get it especially when I am pregnant. Again, there was no connection in my brain that I could possibly be. I really did not even think about it. The next day, with a terrible sinus infection starting and miserable allergies, I decide to skip aerobics and run some errands in the morning. I am at the dollar store in the check out line and I see a pregnancy test. Oh good, I think. This will be good peace of mind. Seriously, this is what I am thinking. Peace of mind. I don't give it another thought, and don't even remember that I bought the test until a few hours later when I am finally digging through the bags of stuff I bought to put away. Oh, yes I should take this.

After said test is taken and I am washing my hands, I am watching the test finish within seconds. WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, wait, this is a dollar store test. It's probably a junk test. Deep down I think I knew the test was right, but I couldn't believe it. How could it be?? The truth is, all my pregnancy tests have been bought at the dollar store...but still- this one couldn't be right. After Keaton woke up from his nap, I loaded up the kids and went to Smiths to buy another one. After that one was positive, just as clearly as the first one, the real freaking out began.

Now first I want to say that I am so lucky to be able to concieve. There are many friends of mine who have struggled, tried for years, been on fertility treatments with no luck. And here I am, freaking out about being pregnant. The truth is, if I didn't have preemies, Cort and I would have been pregnant on purpose by now (or at least we would have been trying). I LOVE babies more than anything in the world. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I have spent many hours crying, praying because I truly wish I could have a full term child again. But when Keaton was in the NICU, there was a day that I truly did not know how much more I could take of the heartache I was feeling, and I turned to Cort and said "I can't go through this again." And that has stuck with me.

So after a lot of freaking out, worrying, crying, pacing the hallways, I had a few personal experiences of comfort. I knew that this was meant to be.

Now, of course this is meant to be. If the Lord is going to send me a baby when I am on birth control AND have only one ovary, then it is MEANT TO BE. Buuuuuuut, can I just tell you how much of a shock to my system this has been? One minute life is going one way, and the next minute, everything in our future has changed. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Because for me, pregnancy isn't just a normal "keep doing what your doing" kind of thing. Because I have placental abruptions, I have to stop 3/4 of the work out's I have been doing. And selfishly, this has been hard for me. Of course I have done it with no question, but it was hard mentally for me. I believe there is so much mental preparation that goes with getting pregnant. You prepare yourself that you are not going to be able to do certain things, that your body is going to change, in my case I will get realllllllly big everywhere and gain back what I worked so hard to lose- and so when you do become pregnant, you accept these things. Since I had no expectation or preparation for this- it has been hard for me to think about getting big again, and epecially to drop my daily routines of zumba, aerobics, stregnth training.

Both my primary doctor and high risk OB have said specifically, 30 mins tops of cardio, low impact, walking, swimming. NO squats, lunges or running. Or anything that would get my heart rate up. Or anything that would put any pressure on my abdomen. Nice, so pretty much 99.9% of what I am doing I have to stop.

Don't get me wrong- I will do whatever is most important to have a long and healthy pregnancy. It is not even a question. Once agian, this just falls into the category of: I am still in shock and trying to adjust to these unexpected life changes.

Now, can I tell you now that so far this has been the hardest pregnancy I have had? My morning sickness is ALL day sickness and it is the worst it has been with any of my children. Just opening the fridge to different smells makes me want to vomit. I feel gross pretty much all the time. Like, seriously. It is sad how many people have asked me if I am okay because I just look....well, sick. I snack little snacks all day long to help things- and it is unfortunetly whatever I can tolerate at the time. I must say, sugar is not really an issue, but certainly salty is! I can go from eating some fresh steamed corn, to salad, to chips and salsa, to just chips! Sour candies have helped as well, but it is just whatever my body will let me eat at that time without throwing it up.

Did I mention that I am still in shock?! So my due date has been anywhere from Jan 6 to Jan 12th. Sooooo, if I go early that is a thanksgiving or christmas baby! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!!!!!

I still just can't even believe it. I have been to my regular OB twice and my high risk once and as of right now I am 10 weeks tomorrow (although the appointment before this they said I was a due a week later, meaning 1 week less along in pregnancy). It has changed, but the most recent is what I want to go with! Being further along means less time sick, right? Let's hope!

Did I mention my hormones are crazy? One minute I am laughing and the next I look at my hubby and cry telling him I am sorry I am such a lazy bum complainer sitting on the couch all day long. My motivation to do anything normal has gone out the window- although I do try to push myself because I find if I keep busy, it helps with the nausea.

So I have told my family and most of my friends, but the truth had to come out because everyone keeps asking me why I am only do half of my normal workout, and why I keep getting sick- and let's just face it, this is my 4th time around and I am already SHOWING. Not like "is she?" kind of showing, I can still hide it. But it is there. believe me.

And I just can't keep my mouth shut any longer because this is crazy news!!

And while I am still in shock, still trying to process everything. I know this is a huge blessing. And this will be a miracle to my family. Unfortunetly my chances of having another preemie are pretty high. When I went to that appointment on the 31st, the doctor came in and said "I thought this was a consultation to talk about your future, but I guess you jumped the gun and went for it, eh?" and I said, "hey, I thought the same as you and got the shock of my life doc." Then of course, I told him the story. This crazy story. And he told me the bad news. Prepare for doing nothing, prepare for bedrest. Prepare for a preemie. Whoa. Did not see that coming. I really truly believed in my heart I could have another full term. And I am still hanging onto that. I told him I am believing in my heart that things can be different. And that's what I will hold on to for now. And when/if things change along the way, we will deal with it then. I know the Lord will not give me anything I cannot handle. And I am grateful for this change. I am still trying to embrace it, but I am grateful for it.

So baby Larson #4, Boy or Girl? Well, I know my chances of having another boy are pretty darn great. So I am preparing for a boy and will just be pleasantly surprised if I get a girl. Cort says since he wasn't "trying" on purpose, maybe he let the girl genes go through...I just can't know right now either way! I just want a healthy baby! That's all I want!! Did I mention I am still in shock?

And there you have it. The longest post in the world. I am sure there will be many more rantings from in the future about my constant shock and disbelief that I am actually preggers. But it is so. And I working myself up to be excited. It will be great! Just pray for me!!!!! ;)
Love to you all.