Monday, February 8, 2010

Is this really me?

So it's weird. We are leaving tomorrow for Hawaii. Well, the start to getting to Hawaii. We are driving to Las Vegas late tomorrow night, then driving from LV to AZ Wednesday, in no hurray. Family party Wednesday night, fly to Hawaii first thing Thursday morning.

SOOOOOOO Exciting.

Now, if you know me, you know that I have no problems leaving my kids with most people at any time. Not that I don't love them or care about their well being or whatever. I just got so used to leaving them when Keaton was in the NICU...sometimes even when I didn't want to, or didn't know someone as well. I leave them for Girls Night outs and a weekend trip, etc. No problems. They are also at the age where to go to friends houses all the time. I have no problems with this.

So why have I all of a sudden in the middle of the night last night starting to freak about leaving them? I woke up at 2am and literally could not go back to sleep until 6:07am (the last time I looked at the clock before falling asleep). My chest hurt, I felt all panicky about leaving them. Is it about leaving them with my in-laws? NO. It's just that thought that came suddenly in the back of my head that said "what if I don't come back?" for some reason? Airplane crash, what have you. What if I don't ever see them again? And then my heart hurts and I fight back the tears.

Now, I know I cannot live my life this way. I truly belive it is healthy for both the children and us as parents to have our time. It is good for our relationship to get away (and we are celebrating our 10 year Anniversary, yes a few months early), and its good for the kids to see us do this, and to feel our absence and see us come back. We do date night swaps 2 Friday nights a month and I have never batted an eye about leaving them...I cannot be scared about this!

So when I say I cannot live my life this way, I also mean that no one can live their life in fear of the unknown. If something is going to happen to me or Cortney, then it is Heavenly Fathers plan, and that persons time to go. I cannot not go on a trip because of fear.

So, I have decided to sulk up these last moments with my kids before leaving on my trip. Really enjoy them and try really hard not to get really mad at them for something they might do to make me upset. I look into their little faces and love them so much, so thats what my focus is when I am leaving. I am FORGETTING about the fear that I may have and know that they are going to have a great time with their grandparents!!

The house is spotless, the fridge and pantry stocked for the family (in-laws are staying here most of the time we are gone), clean sheets on beds, clean towels set out, and 6 pages of instructions, helpful hints, medicine doses, phone numbers, insurance cards, etc. We are ready!

So, SIGH, we are ready. Its okay for me to miss the kids, but great for me to have a great time without them and enjoy this time with my hubby, who I married 9 and almost 1/2 years ago.



Chanelle said...

Have so much fun! You are going to have a great time and so will the kids. Happy Anniversary!

the tim gailey home said...

anxiety attackes are never fun. but maybe now that you had it, it will go away and let you enjoy the rest of your trip. (stinky feelings of love!) hope to see you tomorrow night!

shelley said...

hope you have a great trip! and come home to hunter's creek safe and sound.

just be sure it's your own voice and not the Spirit telling you to stay off the plane.

you'll know the difference. :)