Frist of all, I have an announcement. It's big. It's shocking to some and it was mostly shocking to me and my hubby. I will tell you what it is, then spend the rest of this post expressing all my deepest feelings regarding everything...cause that's what my blog is for.
Soooooo drumroll Please...
I am PREGNANT.
The main reason this is so shocking is because I was on BIRTH CONTROL and have never missed a pill. I have taken birth control for the past 13 years (other than when I was trying to get pregnant or pregnant). Even when I am nursing, I am on the mini-pill. So to say that I was and still am shocked to learn this news is a huge understatement.
So my whole story starts with me making an appointment. I was talking with Cortney about 4 months ago about going into my high-risk OB to talk about my future. I have never gone in and actually learned what my chances are of having another preemie. I have not been ready to hear what he had to say, good or bad. All Cort and I knew was we were probably not having another biological child...but if we did, it would probably be once Keaton was in preschool in case we had another preemie. We had talked about adoption. We had talked about foster-to-adopt. We knew there was at least one more child for us, that we weren't "done" but we knew that we could not go through the whole 3 months of having a baby in the NICU and all that comes with that, again. So I made the appointment and they scheduled it out about 3 months for May 31st. No big deal.
Fast forward 2 1/2 months later. Cort is in Costa Rica for a week for work. I am worried about him. I am worried he is going to be sick while he is there with no one to take care of him. Luckily he was great the whole time- but we had little contact with each other. And I was worried. TOO worried to realize already that I was 2 weeks late on my cycle. I thought about it once, but then it left me immedietly because I never thought in a million years I could be pregnant. Never.in.a.million.years. And then Cort gets back. And that night I am brushing my teeth and I gag. That's weird, I think to myself. I always gag when I am pregnant. I then go on to talk to Cort about my recent insomnia. I get it from time to time- but I get it especially when I am pregnant. Again, there was no connection in my brain that I could possibly be. I really did not even think about it. The next day, with a terrible sinus infection starting and miserable allergies, I decide to skip aerobics and run some errands in the morning. I am at the dollar store in the check out line and I see a pregnancy test. Oh good, I think. This will be good peace of mind. Seriously, this is what I am thinking. Peace of mind. I don't give it another thought, and don't even remember that I bought the test until a few hours later when I am finally digging through the bags of stuff I bought to put away. Oh, yes I should take this.
After said test is taken and I am washing my hands, I am watching the test finish within seconds. WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, wait, this is a dollar store test. It's probably a junk test. Deep down I think I knew the test was right, but I couldn't believe it. How could it be?? The truth is, all my pregnancy tests have been bought at the dollar store...but still- this one couldn't be right. After Keaton woke up from his nap, I loaded up the kids and went to Smiths to buy another one. After that one was positive, just as clearly as the first one, the real freaking out began.
Now first I want to say that I am so lucky to be able to concieve. There are many friends of mine who have struggled, tried for years, been on fertility treatments with no luck. And here I am, freaking out about being pregnant. The truth is, if I didn't have preemies, Cort and I would have been pregnant on purpose by now (or at least we would have been trying). I LOVE babies more than anything in the world. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I have spent many hours crying, praying because I truly wish I could have a full term child again. But when Keaton was in the NICU, there was a day that I truly did not know how much more I could take of the heartache I was feeling, and I turned to Cort and said "I can't go through this again." And that has stuck with me.
So after a lot of freaking out, worrying, crying, pacing the hallways, I had a few personal experiences of comfort. I knew that this was meant to be.
Now, of course this is meant to be. If the Lord is going to send me a baby when I am on birth control AND have only one ovary, then it is MEANT TO BE. Buuuuuuut, can I just tell you how much of a shock to my system this has been? One minute life is going one way, and the next minute, everything in our future has changed. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Because for me, pregnancy isn't just a normal "keep doing what your doing" kind of thing. Because I have placental abruptions, I have to stop 3/4 of the work out's I have been doing. And selfishly, this has been hard for me. Of course I have done it with no question, but it was hard mentally for me. I believe there is so much mental preparation that goes with getting pregnant. You prepare yourself that you are not going to be able to do certain things, that your body is going to change, in my case I will get realllllllly big everywhere and gain back what I worked so hard to lose- and so when you do become pregnant, you accept these things. Since I had no expectation or preparation for this- it has been hard for me to think about getting big again, and epecially to drop my daily routines of zumba, aerobics, stregnth training.
Both my primary doctor and high risk OB have said specifically, 30 mins tops of cardio, low impact, walking, swimming. NO squats, lunges or running. Or anything that would get my heart rate up. Or anything that would put any pressure on my abdomen. Nice, so pretty much 99.9% of what I am doing I have to stop.
Don't get me wrong- I will do whatever is most important to have a long and healthy pregnancy. It is not even a question. Once agian, this just falls into the category of: I am still in shock and trying to adjust to these unexpected life changes.
Now, can I tell you now that so far this has been the hardest pregnancy I have had? My morning sickness is ALL day sickness and it is the worst it has been with any of my children. Just opening the fridge to different smells makes me want to vomit. I feel gross pretty much all the time. Like, seriously. It is sad how many people have asked me if I am okay because I just look....well, sick. I snack little snacks all day long to help things- and it is unfortunetly whatever I can tolerate at the time. I must say, sugar is not really an issue, but certainly salty is! I can go from eating some fresh steamed corn, to salad, to chips and salsa, to just chips! Sour candies have helped as well, but it is just whatever my body will let me eat at that time without throwing it up.
Did I mention that I am still in shock?! So my due date has been anywhere from Jan 6 to Jan 12th. Sooooo, if I go early that is a thanksgiving or christmas baby! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!!!!!
I still just can't even believe it. I have been to my regular OB twice and my high risk once and as of right now I am 10 weeks tomorrow (although the appointment before this they said I was a due a week later, meaning 1 week less along in pregnancy). It has changed, but the most recent is what I want to go with! Being further along means less time sick, right? Let's hope!
Did I mention my hormones are crazy? One minute I am laughing and the next I look at my hubby and cry telling him I am sorry I am such a lazy bum complainer sitting on the couch all day long. My motivation to do anything normal has gone out the window- although I do try to push myself because I find if I keep busy, it helps with the nausea.
So I have told my family and most of my friends, but the truth had to come out because everyone keeps asking me why I am only do half of my normal workout, and why I keep getting sick- and let's just face it, this is my 4th time around and I am already SHOWING. Not like "is she?" kind of showing, I can still hide it. But it is there. believe me.
And I just can't keep my mouth shut any longer because this is crazy news!!
And while I am still in shock, still trying to process everything. I know this is a huge blessing. And this will be a miracle to my family. Unfortunetly my chances of having another preemie are pretty high. When I went to that appointment on the 31st, the doctor came in and said "I thought this was a consultation to talk about your future, but I guess you jumped the gun and went for it, eh?" and I said, "hey, I thought the same as you and got the shock of my life doc." Then of course, I told him the story. This crazy story. And he told me the bad news. Prepare for doing nothing, prepare for bedrest. Prepare for a preemie. Whoa. Did not see that coming. I really truly believed in my heart I could have another full term. And I am still hanging onto that. I told him I am believing in my heart that things can be different. And that's what I will hold on to for now. And when/if things change along the way, we will deal with it then. I know the Lord will not give me anything I cannot handle. And I am grateful for this change. I am still trying to embrace it, but I am grateful for it.
So baby Larson #4, Boy or Girl? Well, I know my chances of having another boy are pretty darn great. So I am preparing for a boy and will just be pleasantly surprised if I get a girl. Cort says since he wasn't "trying" on purpose, maybe he let the girl genes go through...I just can't know right now either way! I just want a healthy baby! That's all I want!! Did I mention I am still in shock?
And there you have it. The longest post in the world. I am sure there will be many more rantings from in the future about my constant shock and disbelief that I am actually preggers. But it is so. And I working myself up to be excited. It will be great! Just pray for me!!!!! ;)
Love to you all.
Love to you all.