I am afraid I have turned into scrooge. THE scrooge, BAH HUMBUG! It has been a really rough lousy week! Starting with Monday- it was a bittersweet day...Started out bitter, I went to the female doc for some female stuff that did not go tell well (and let's just leave it at that). But then I made my way to the NICU and it was wonderful. I got to hold my little man for the second time- he seemed so strong and much bigger and more stable than the time I held him before.
Cortney even got to hold him the day before, on Sunday, for the first time.
What a sweet moment!
Later that day I had to go back into my female docs because some stuff from my visit went wrong and had to be taken care of. Not pleasant. I called in late afternoon to check on Paxton and he is doing fine. But when I called back later that evening, the nurse said he had suddenly turned very sick. VERY SICK. Like, he had stopped peeing and was lethargic and acting very sick- just suddenly. Of course I was so very worried. My heart hurt so bad- I wanted to go in and stay with him, but the nurse said to get some sleep so I can stay all day the next day- that he would need me then. So what I should have done was gone anyways because I couldn't sleep at all anyways I was just so worried! She called very early in the morning and Cort and I headed down there just in time for him to have stints put in his kidneys. I could offer many more details of all the things that ended up happening that day- but let's just say when I saw my sweet baby, he hardly looked like my baby he was just so very sick. And it was so sad. Cort and I were there all day and after the day I had Monday, then Tuesday, I was so exhausted that I felt physically ill. The rest of the week things got better with Paxton. He has a bad infection still, but is so much better than he was and is getting better every day. What has made the rest of the week hard is just the reality of my life these days. I keep thinking about Christmas morning. I have my kids at home that I can't wait to see open their presents- and then I have this baby clear across town that I want to be with. Luckily he has wonderful nurses who will be with him whenever I am not, but some days, I just get so sad thinking about it. Add to that taking my car into the shop to fix the door that the wind storm broke, dealing with my fighting boys at home, trying to get a house clean and things ready for the holidays- I am just not handling all the stress well this week!
Most of the time I can hold my head strong and make it through, but for some reason, this week was so much harder. I know most of it is simply that I have a baby in the NICU! And he got very sick! And then you add on everything else going on in my life and it makes sense for me to be a little crazy. But I also know that it is out of my control and I can't change the situation right now...so I just try to take it day by day and not let it get me down.
So as I write this, my house is half way a mess, my kids are finally getting to bed and I am still feeling like a scrooge! But I am making a deal with myself that I just don't like myself this way and my kids are suffering from it too- so we are going to try to have a better week! It HAS to be better than this. I am putting my trust and faith in the Lord and letting him take the reigns from here. Here's to a better week!!