Well today I learned the wonderful news that I am having another BOY. Was I surprised...Yes, (although I know I shouldn't have been!) but I am thrilled. I love boys, I love MY boys and I am excited.
But I am not going to lie. There is some venting that needs to be done!
I totally 100% thought I was having a girl. My husband and I BOTH had dreams before we even knew we were pregnant, (But I already was and just didn't know it) that we had a little girl. Today my mom told me that she also had dreamt I had a girl. I had several moments during this pregnancy where I would swear to you that I had confirmation and visions that I was having a girl. It was so weird because I knew Kyler was a boy, I just knew it. But with Brayden and Keaton, I wasn't sure. I really never had direct feelings either way, but deep down suspected they might be boys. Not this time. I knew it was a girl, I just knew it. I told myself NOT to let myself go there. I told myself, don't get worked up that it's a girl!! I knew I could be setting myself up. Every.single.person that I have talked to at one point or another in this pregnancy has said "maybe this is your girl." EVERY SINGLE PERSON. At church, in the neighborhood, friends, everywhere! And there have been many times I have said, "seriously, please don't keep getting me worked up that it's a girl." I got excited. I *almost* bought girl clothes- seriously! There were times when I saw something girly and could swear that inside me tingled that this baby was a girl. And did I ever mention before that I am a super raging hormonal monster? This pregnancy my hormones have been off the charts...which deep down I believed could be in connection to the girl I thought I was having...Crazy thoughts!!
So to say that although I tried to convince myself to "not go there" and not think anything until I knew is an understatement because I really truly thought this baby was a girl. So I was shocked today. Really didn't even know how to react. I saw it. The manhood. It was clear. And the doctor just patted me and said "wow, clear as day." and I was silent. I am sorry! I was silent.
I feel really guilty even writing about it, because yes, then I did cry. I can't have normal pregnancies with normal healthy full term babies. I can't keep trying for the girl I dream of having some day. I just can't. And deep down, especially since this pregnancy happened the way it did, I have just kind-of thought this had to be our last no matter what. So I had to have a few moments of "wow, okay" and crying to my mom to move on from my girl feelings. It's not like sheer utter disappointment- it was just disbelief and shock. It was so different than what I had felt. And I am scared. 4 boys people! 4 mini Cortney Larson boys. Do any of you really know how Cortney was as a child. Oh his mother will tell you stories. And I have 3 of them already!! They are wonderful and I love it. But it was a little hard to accept that things were so different than what I had pictured.
But if you really know me, you know how much I just love babies. Especially little boy babies. Please don't take my venting the wrong way. I have dreamed of having another baby, boy or girl for so long and Cort and I just never thought we were going to have another one because of our situation, so this is truly a blessing in our lives. If the Lord is going to send me another boy the way that he did, I know this is meant to be.
I am going to embrace and love this truly miracle baby no matter what- and truly, all I really want in my heart is a healthy as-close-to-full-term-as-possible baby. Really, truly. I am so excited to see if this one will keep Brayden the only blonde in the family and to see whose eyes he will have. I am glad I can finally say "he" instead of "the baby in my belly, or it." I am grateful and lucky because I have such amazing boys. It will be wonderful.
I seriously can't wait to start bonding with this angel inside me.
And now, I can start making plans for our own baseball team. ;)