Still Shocked

First comes the shock of this pregnancy, then comes the shock that this baby is another boy. It shouldn't have been a shock to me- but I seriously thought it was a girl- and so this week has been crazy to wrap my head around it. As I am sitting in sacrament today with my boys being crazy as always, I am thinking to myself REALLY...I mean REALLY? I am adding another boy to the mix of rowdiness!! And then I have to laugh. I really do have a great life. And this baby boy wanted to come to our family in such a miraculous way. I am so lucky. I am grateful. I am just still in shock. I am sure in time, just as with the pregnancy shock finally sinking in, another baby boy will start sinking in to my brain and I will start getting more and more excited. It's not that I am not excited now- I really love this little growing baby already, like I said in my earlier post, just a shock from different feelings I had. I am now trying to figure out how to move bedrooms around, what theme and colors to use for the baby's room, and a NAME. Oh boy. A name. Cort and I always disagree on names. With Brayden, we were totally unprepared for his arrival and were in full arguments about names before he was born. Then we had to decide quickly. Never again. With Keaton, we actively searched and talked well in advance in case he came early. So this baby, we are doing the same. The problem is my husband is just as picky and stubborn as me! There is no "you are going through all the pregnancy and labor, so you get to choose" kind of business in our household. My husband has to agree and won't budge. I can't play any kind of crying bit with him- he knows me too well! It's all good- cause I am just as stubborn to him with other things. We equal out very nicely. I just hope we can find a unique name for this unique baby.

Now! Time for me to put a million things aside and get to girls camp. I won't lie- I am excited, but seriously, SERIOUSLY can't wait for it to be over! No more meetings, planning, meetings, planning, crazy late night stressors to get things done. I will be a new woman once it is over! I CANT WAIT!!

And did I mention that I start progesterone shots this week? That will be a nice added flavor to my moodiness.

And did I mention I think I am getting another sinus infection?? Just in time for girls camp!

I am one crabby lady! Hopefully the next post will be more exciting ;)

Oh, and PS, sorry that I made everyone wait SO LONG when I posted on facebook what I was having. I was seriously on the phone for like 4 hours after my appointment and couldn't catch a break to get online... ;) Have a great week everyone!!

Boy oh BOY!!

Well today I learned the wonderful news that I am having another BOY. Was I surprised...Yes, (although I know I shouldn't have been!) but I am thrilled. I love boys, I love MY boys and I am excited.

But I am not going to lie. There is some venting that needs to be done!

I totally 100% thought I was having a girl. My husband and I BOTH had dreams before we even knew we were pregnant, (But I already was and just didn't know it) that we had a little girl. Today my mom told me that she also had dreamt I had a girl. I had several moments during this pregnancy where I would swear to you that I had confirmation and visions that I was having a girl. It was so weird because I knew Kyler was a boy, I just knew it. But with Brayden and Keaton, I wasn't sure. I really never had direct feelings either way, but deep down suspected they might be boys. Not this time. I knew it was a girl, I just knew it. I told myself NOT to let myself go there. I told myself, don't get worked up that it's a girl!! I knew I could be setting myself up. Every.single.person that I have talked to at one point or another in this pregnancy has said "maybe this is your girl." EVERY SINGLE PERSON. At church, in the neighborhood, friends, everywhere! And there have been many times I have said, "seriously, please don't keep getting me worked up that it's a girl." I got excited. I *almost* bought girl clothes- seriously! There were times when I saw something girly and could swear that inside me tingled that this baby was a girl. And did I ever mention before that I am a super raging hormonal monster? This pregnancy my hormones have been off the charts...which deep down I believed could be in connection to the girl I thought I was having...Crazy thoughts!!

So to say that although I tried to convince myself to "not go there" and not think anything until I knew is an understatement because I really truly thought this baby was a girl. So I was shocked today. Really didn't even know how to react. I saw it. The manhood. It was clear. And the doctor just patted me and said "wow, clear as day." and I was silent. I am sorry! I was silent.

I feel really guilty even writing about it, because yes, then I did cry. I can't have normal pregnancies with normal healthy full term babies. I can't keep trying for the girl I dream of having some day. I just can't. And deep down, especially since this pregnancy happened the way it did, I have just kind-of thought this had to be our last no matter what. So I had to have a few moments of "wow, okay" and crying to my mom to move on from my girl feelings. It's not like sheer utter disappointment- it was just disbelief and shock. It was so different than what I had felt. And I am scared. 4 boys people! 4 mini Cortney Larson boys. Do any of you really know how Cortney was as a child. Oh his mother will tell you stories. And I have 3 of them already!! They are wonderful and I love it. But it was a little hard to accept that things were so different than what I had pictured.

But if you really know me, you know how much I just love babies. Especially little boy babies. Please don't take my venting the wrong way. I have dreamed of having another baby, boy or girl for so long and Cort and I just never thought we were going to have another one because of our situation, so this is truly a blessing in our lives. If the Lord is going to send me another boy the way that he did, I know this is meant to be.

I am going to embrace and love this truly miracle baby no matter what- and truly, all I really want in my heart is a healthy as-close-to-full-term-as-possible baby. Really, truly. I am so excited to see if this one will keep Brayden the only blonde in the family and to see whose eyes he will have. I am glad I can finally say "he" instead of "the baby in my belly, or it." I am grateful and lucky because I have such amazing boys. It will be wonderful.

I seriously can't wait to start bonding with this angel inside me.

And now, I can start making plans for our own baseball team. ;)

I know, I know

Alright, I know my last post seemed really Debi-Downer. Other than the awesome fun time I had when my sister was here, last week was terrible. Really. BUTTTTT, things are much better this week. Thank heavens!!

So this week my goal has been to really sulk up every second with my kids. Let the house go, have fun together. Because I had noticed that in all my moodiness, I have found myself saying "no" to almost everything my kids ask me. Mom, can I play with a friend? Mom, can I have this? Mom can I have that? And really, a lot of those things I still should say no to, but I can do it in a better way. Since when do I say no to all these fun things my kids want to do?. It's not fair to them. So I have been making lists of fun things we can do, answers I can give them instead of no...Like saying "well we can't play with a friend right now but let's play with playdough!" And giving them other ideas help keep them from the extreme boredome they have been facing. I feel bad, I am just so dang tired all the time! And moody! And never able to get enough sleep, EVER! So it shows through my most pleasant personality. No wonder my kids fight and are grouchy! I have been not showing them quite the love they deserve.

So I have been working on it. I am even reading some books to help me with dealing with some of the things that happen specifically to BOYS as they get older. I have two issues with the book- 1. I fall asleep pretty much any time I read anything. It's going to take me a long time to get through this. And 2. The beginning of this book basically is every mother's fear: "boys are always treated differently because they have a harder time sitting still, containing their energy, they struggle with self esteem, they are viewed differently in the world." ETC. It's hard to read that. Especically when I have 3 boys! Maybe 4 soon! But this book came highly recommended and I know that it tells me these things to buld me up and help me recognize how much extra love and encouragement and support they need. Which in turns only makes me feel like a failure as a mother because I don't think I have given my boys, especially my oldest, that kind of patience, love and encouragement. The good news is, I still have been a pretty good mom and can't beat myself up over this- what I can do is start now at working on these things. And doing better. And that's what I am trying to do!! I am actually quite encouraged that I am not alone in my feelings about having a hard time figuring out how to handle boy situations. What the heck am I going to do when my kids get old enough to really start to "get it" with certain things?? You know, like where babies really do come from?? AHHHHHH. I am scared to death! But at least I know I am on the right track doing what I can do as a parent to educate myself and teach my kids the best I can (don't worry folks, they are not ready for "that" talk yet...at least I think...) Thank heavens, again.

Anyways, enough rambling from me. I really just am a super duper hormonal monster that is trying to control it because I know it is because I am pregnant. And I hate to say this agian, I really do, but there are some days I still can't even believe I am pregnant! Really. I still can't believe how this all happened and some days I find myself going "really, there is really a baby growing inside me??" For reals! It is crazy! I really hope that some day I will be back to my normal, not crazy to everyone self. In the meantime, you will continue to read crazy posts from me. ;)

Life

This crazy boy just went in for his annual heart echo and EKG up at Primary Children's Medical Center. Everything looks just about the same as it did last year, which is GREAT because the problem has not gotten worse. The doctor estimates at this rate, he won't need to have surgery until his late teens. This is good news. Every year we go in and axiously await whatever the doctor has to say, but deep down, I always know that these are the years we have with Brayden to run and jump and play. And when he is older, no more of that until his heart issues are resolved. So maybe I let him get away with being a little more wild because of this?? I don't know. But either way, I am glad to hear that things look good so far.

Now as for everything else in my life? I'm pretty much a big mess. There is so much going on that I can't even begin to talk about, but what I can say is- pregnant women handle enough just being pregnant and trying to deal with hormones and other crazy things (speaking of which, starting next week I will be getting progesterone shots every week=- yay for even more crazy hormones...) Anyways, but to have extra crap in my life on top of it is not helping. Especially since I am trying to keep this baby in longer...not have the baby sooner due to extreme stress...which I have had. Alright, I am not going to ramble on forever about it. I just know that I am so grateful to have such a wonderful family who is always there for me, who always has my back, who puts judgements aside, who I know I can always and forever trust. I have recently come to be more grateful to those in my life who are truly there for me.

---So hopefully the next post I can tell you all about my fun times with my sister in town and maybe even what gender of baby we are having...hopefully!---

Need a laugh today?

So my dear sweet Kyler graduated from 1st grade this year...and with that came a program. And after the cute program (which was dedicated to Mother's), they directed all Mother's to a wall where their kids had painted beautiful portraits of their mothers.

As I am approaching the wall, many mom's come away laughing. Kids at this age are very creative, very cute with their art- and so let's just say I did not know what to expect...but then again, I did. But I seriously had no idea...

It's okay. Go ahead, Laugh your head off. I did. And I still do, even when I even think about this picture. And can I add that most of the mom's coming away from that way were laughing at THIS picture!! Then they saw me take it and we all couldn't stop laughing. I think Kyler captured my eyelashes and jewlery perfectly! What about my eyebrows above and below my eyes? Just perfect!! ;) I love it- kids are so dang cute~~

Changes

Do I dare say I *think* I am past the super duper sicker than I have ever been with any pregnancy phase? I think that I finally am. The last week especially I have been feeling pretty good. It is weird. I am so used to starting something, or planning to take the kids somewhere, etc. and then BOOM, I am just so sick I can't even think of anything else. AND it would last all day and all night and pretty much never ended. It wasn't fun. And by far the worst of any pregnancy. Add to that the fact that I am a hormonal raging monster...yeah, that. I have not been my best self, that is for sure. But I think things are coming around. I am almost 14 weeks and of course, I am showing for reals now. I think it's obvious- and anyone who knew me before I got pregnant should know I am not just getting fat everywhere, its obvious in my belly! ;)

Soooo....what does this mean? PROJECTS! Luckily I have been inspired/motivated by company coming: My husbands family on Monday, my sister and her family next week and one of my bestest friends Kyra the week after. Company always motivates me to clean, but there was some real organization that has needed to be done for some time now- and I finally am feeling good enough to do it.

In the past few days I have organized the pantry (which I pretty much do every 6 months or so). But can I tell you that this time I really changed things around. Something happened the other day that really opened my eyes to how much MORE my boys could be doing for themselves...and I am really cheating them by not letting them be more independent. They could totally get their own bowls of ceral in the mornings (not Keaton of course, but the other two)...and their own lots of things...but I have just always done it. And there was a day this last week I was forced to put my feet up and make the kids do more and I realized that if I were to just show them a little more of how to do things themselves, as well as moving things around in the pantry so it's more at their level, things would be much better. AND let's be honest, I am totally preparing to be on bed rest at some point in this pregnancy. This will make things a lot easier if I start transitioning them now to do more for themselves. So , back to the list.

I have cleaned out and oraganized 75% of the kitchen cabinets. Things were just getting shoved into places when in reality, there is a lot of extra room if we just put things in nicely. The other 25% didn't need to be done! ;)

I have cleaned out Kyler and Brayden's closets and organized them...although we are going to be moving rooms around, soooo this will all be re-done anyways. But at least now I know where everything is and it will be a smoother transition.

It has only been a week of feeling good, so I am just getting started! Now I plan to:

Organize the basement- there is so much that we can give away/have a yard sale, etc.

Go through ALL baby stuff...I will probably wait a few more weeks until I find out what I am having...if it's a boy, I will wash and start going through everything and decide what to keep, etc.

If it's a girl, I will probably give away a lot more and store things differently.

Once I find out the gender, we will also be doing a lot of changes around the upstairs. Rooms are going to get moved around. The crib will be set back up, the changing table, possibly some painting. There is so much to be done! And while most people wait a little ways longer in their pregnancy to do a lot of it, I don't have that luxary...especially when bed rest is expected! So I am getting as much done now as possible and am hoping to have it all done before baby-kins makes the arrival and/or bed rest. I am excited, especially now that I am not so sick and can actually think about these things.

Much much more to do, but too much to list for now. Hopefully I can post some pictures as I work on some of the more fun projects!